I'm terrified but I'm not leaving

i believe we all have times in our lives that we know have helped define us. they can leave us raw, open, vulnerable and even scared. they can motivate us, they can terrify us and they can even change us. sometimes it's a moment and you miss it when it goes by but reflecting back on it you realize that ever since then, you haven't been the same. without commenting on the personal life of Rihanna i keep hearing this song on the radio and it totally sends chills down my spine. to me it speaks of these moments and says "bring it on" - just try me. you know this could be a test that you must pass, so let's go! the line i like the most is "you can see my heart, beating through my chest - and i'm terrified but i'm not leaving......."


Russian Roulette lyrics sung by Rihanna

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

Chorus:
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
That I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

{Chorus}

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

{Chorus}



so what defines you? what moments have you had that help make up who you are? what terrifies you but keeps you standing? what makes your heart show through when it feels like it's pumping a million miles a minute? what prayer do you say to yourself as these moments pass?

Love, J

smiling often and laughing lots

as of late my life has been on the upswing. more balance, more laughter (less tears) and more smiles. i've made a conscious effort to be this way and have been working on gaining more stability - through life cirbumstances i was forced to, i should say i chose to not be in denial and accept what has come my way, i am not relying purely on one outlet to become more happy and more balanced. i'm even striving for a splash of contentment in there too!
the life choices i've been making are all towards one positive goal - me. i've rediscovered that i'm worth it, i matter and hey you know what, it's just plain old better being happier! i talk to someone once a month, i surround myself in positive influences, i stay put (and quiet), i am speaking my truth more and i am remembering that person that is/was admired by others. i take the daily steps that i feel are 100% necessary for me to remain stable, balanced and calmer. at times i falter and i'm aware of where i fell short or what i can make a better effort on tomorrow. denial is no longer my friend - and neither is ignoring me. choice and free will are a beautiful thing :)
i've had a lot of great mentors in my life and am applying/listening/remembering their lessons. my dad has been w me through this whole lifelong journey of me and continues to be where he always has been, right beside me - he accepts me and loves me like i need to learn to do for myself. my cousin nicole is my kindred spirit and has been such a blessing in my life i don't even know if i could describe what she means to me and my world - especially in this last year. my incredibly AMAZING friends, new and old help get me through. if it's through a text, a visit or just a "hey, what's up?" it has been and continues to be honourable, commendable and incredible. thank you - i am grateful.

speaking of which, here is my list for lately:
~~tofino cherry popping
~~rebecca - thank you allowing me to be around as much as i am
~~my brother Taylor calling to hang out and see me
~~knowing that i bought the book and will read it, apply it and learn from it
~~going for walks on the beach, no matter the weather :)
~~talks w Nath - my new fav person
~~fixing my phone, i've learned how important it is to me. it's a way for me to choose the level of social i have in my daily life
~~water
~~sleeping in my own bed
~~country music - it helps remind me who i am
~~ma familia
~~that beauty of a red car that will soon be mine, thank you dad. i get to drive stick again! phew! even bought some stickers to decorate her w!
~~learning from mistakes. the real mistake in mistakes is not learning from them right pa?
~~cutting out the i don't know's
~~being honest w myself, my new bf and w those in my life
~~sister sending me a postcard from Thailand - so love the adventure she and her bf are on :)
~~girls night, good to check in w lovely ladies once a week!
~~snuggles, kisses and hugs on a regular basis
~~mom continuing to check in, even when i don't call back as often as i should
~~re-booking important appt's
~~making wise life choices
~~finding or getting a journal, getting it outta my head sometimes is best lol
~~having someone in my life who listens and is nice to me - apparently i deserve it
~~bf's bday month (first bday together, woo!)
~~Collins family reunion next labour day weekend, THAT is gonna some serious fun!
~~knowing that every holiday can't be the same as it was growing up - more opportunities for fun!
~~my wifey
~~books, reading
~~my GMA
~~being in Megz's wedding, i get to be a girl for just one day!
~~Nathan

thank you for this life, i sure make it colourful and interesting sometimes but it just wouldn't be the same without that!
big love
J