I'm terrified but I'm not leaving

i believe we all have times in our lives that we know have helped define us. they can leave us raw, open, vulnerable and even scared. they can motivate us, they can terrify us and they can even change us. sometimes it's a moment and you miss it when it goes by but reflecting back on it you realize that ever since then, you haven't been the same. without commenting on the personal life of Rihanna i keep hearing this song on the radio and it totally sends chills down my spine. to me it speaks of these moments and says "bring it on" - just try me. you know this could be a test that you must pass, so let's go! the line i like the most is "you can see my heart, beating through my chest - and i'm terrified but i'm not leaving......."


Russian Roulette lyrics sung by Rihanna

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

Chorus:
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
That I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

{Chorus}

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

{Chorus}



so what defines you? what moments have you had that help make up who you are? what terrifies you but keeps you standing? what makes your heart show through when it feels like it's pumping a million miles a minute? what prayer do you say to yourself as these moments pass?

Love, J

smiling often and laughing lots

as of late my life has been on the upswing. more balance, more laughter (less tears) and more smiles. i've made a conscious effort to be this way and have been working on gaining more stability - through life cirbumstances i was forced to, i should say i chose to not be in denial and accept what has come my way, i am not relying purely on one outlet to become more happy and more balanced. i'm even striving for a splash of contentment in there too!
the life choices i've been making are all towards one positive goal - me. i've rediscovered that i'm worth it, i matter and hey you know what, it's just plain old better being happier! i talk to someone once a month, i surround myself in positive influences, i stay put (and quiet), i am speaking my truth more and i am remembering that person that is/was admired by others. i take the daily steps that i feel are 100% necessary for me to remain stable, balanced and calmer. at times i falter and i'm aware of where i fell short or what i can make a better effort on tomorrow. denial is no longer my friend - and neither is ignoring me. choice and free will are a beautiful thing :)
i've had a lot of great mentors in my life and am applying/listening/remembering their lessons. my dad has been w me through this whole lifelong journey of me and continues to be where he always has been, right beside me - he accepts me and loves me like i need to learn to do for myself. my cousin nicole is my kindred spirit and has been such a blessing in my life i don't even know if i could describe what she means to me and my world - especially in this last year. my incredibly AMAZING friends, new and old help get me through. if it's through a text, a visit or just a "hey, what's up?" it has been and continues to be honourable, commendable and incredible. thank you - i am grateful.

speaking of which, here is my list for lately:
~~tofino cherry popping
~~rebecca - thank you allowing me to be around as much as i am
~~my brother Taylor calling to hang out and see me
~~knowing that i bought the book and will read it, apply it and learn from it
~~going for walks on the beach, no matter the weather :)
~~talks w Nath - my new fav person
~~fixing my phone, i've learned how important it is to me. it's a way for me to choose the level of social i have in my daily life
~~water
~~sleeping in my own bed
~~country music - it helps remind me who i am
~~ma familia
~~that beauty of a red car that will soon be mine, thank you dad. i get to drive stick again! phew! even bought some stickers to decorate her w!
~~learning from mistakes. the real mistake in mistakes is not learning from them right pa?
~~cutting out the i don't know's
~~being honest w myself, my new bf and w those in my life
~~sister sending me a postcard from Thailand - so love the adventure she and her bf are on :)
~~girls night, good to check in w lovely ladies once a week!
~~snuggles, kisses and hugs on a regular basis
~~mom continuing to check in, even when i don't call back as often as i should
~~re-booking important appt's
~~making wise life choices
~~finding or getting a journal, getting it outta my head sometimes is best lol
~~having someone in my life who listens and is nice to me - apparently i deserve it
~~bf's bday month (first bday together, woo!)
~~Collins family reunion next labour day weekend, THAT is gonna some serious fun!
~~knowing that every holiday can't be the same as it was growing up - more opportunities for fun!
~~my wifey
~~books, reading
~~my GMA
~~being in Megz's wedding, i get to be a girl for just one day!
~~Nathan

thank you for this life, i sure make it colourful and interesting sometimes but it just wouldn't be the same without that!
big love
J

*sigh*

you are my constant, you are my love, you are my whole wide world of everything, you love me fully, completely, you are my wifey and I plan to spend all my days w you :) I do love you so!

when all is not right w the world I remind myself I can be calm. I can breathe deep, I can seek peace. when my head gets too busy I know they'll be a time when it gets quieter. and this is one of the calm places I go to remind myself

I give thanks

On this Thanksgiving day I look around and see many things I am grateful for every day. I am trying on this gratitude attitude, am having to remind myself sometimes to focus on the positive, but I'm doing it! After two turkey dinner's and yet another yummy family dinner on the way tonight these are the things I am grateful for the most. Friends and family are the very top of the list always, I love you and if I don't say it enough then know you are loved and cared for. Happy Turkey everyone!!



My father has taught me many things in my life and will continue to teach me many more - the main one is love. Maura (or Not-So-Evil-Stepmother) has also come into my life, teaching me many great and wonderful things, they are an amazing couple who compliment each other well. For these two people in my life I am grateful and today I give many thanks for their love!

I give thanks for the lives of my two younger brother's, they are two examples of what I love most in this world. This is one of my most favourite pictures of them, while they were on holidays last Christmas in Florida. I love watching them grow up and these past couple years have enjoyed seeing them grow into the men they will one day become. Yay brother's!

This day and the day my sister graduated are two of my prouder days. I do so love my sibling's and am proud of their small and big accomplishments in life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without all the people in this pic w me.... my sibling's helped shape my personality when I was young and still help shape me now. My sister is away right now and I am so incredibly grateful, thankful, proud and glad she is on such an incredible adventure in Thailand. I do miss her but I know I'll get a giggle and a hug soon enouch. And none of us would be here if it wasn't for our Mama, she drives us to be more than sometimes we think possible. I love you all :)

~smiles~

i find myself smiling more lately. maybe it's what is going on in my life lately, maybe it's things are different in my head space or maybe it's just the way things are going.... and i'm ok w all of that. pretty sure i'm just gonna go with the smiles and keep trying to look on the bright side of things, walk on the sunny side of the street :)


reasons to smile as of late:

~~sunday drives
~~being the "go to" friend to take to the ER w you if my friendy's hurt themselves
~~having lunch w my bro Tay Tay
~~girls night's, having friends to check in w and see weekly
~~days off are a beautiful thing
~~my man
~~being invited for crab dinner - cause Dad and MoJo are home to have dinners!!!! yay!
~~going for a walk in the setting sun
~~watching old fav movies, RIP Patrick
~~Betty Boop
~~hopes for more thurs night fun w my wifey
~~not letting it bring me down
~~country music, love my tunes
~~my sister staying in touch while off across the world on her adventure
~~naps
~~starting to recognize my triggers
~~a wonderful voicemail from my nutters Nicole cousin! such a nice surprise :)
~~ordering a book that could help me
~~my wifey - she's who i wanna spend the rest of my living days around
~~watching my not so lil bro Chrissy Mac play hockey, first game (for me) of the year!
~~good talks
~~Nicole, my kindred spirit
~~not looking for flaws lol
~~this too shall pass
~~being employed, might cause me grief and stress but i'm grateful to have a job
~~watching my brother's grow up, it's a pretty darn cool thing
~~crawling into my own bed and snuggling up for sleep, w no alarm clock to wake me in the mornin
~~having a whooolllllle day w my little monster nephew Jakey in a couple weeks
~~Stephy visits on wednesday's
~~knowing who's behind me
~~Vix visit on friday, very muchly lookin forward to it!
~~hugs and snuggles and giggles ;)

happy fall!!
big hugs and love
JL

i heart Sunday's

gratefulness:

~~Sunday are in the running for my new fav day of the week
~~dad calling in regularly to check in
~~my sister responding to an email, great to hear from her
~~catching up w Nicole, my kindred spirit
~~turning my phone off or to silent lots
~~my little nephew Jake turning 1!!!!
~~cuddles, kisses - found a new fav spot wrapped in my man's arms
~~keeping in touch w friends, whichever form of technology it takes
~~a car to use so I'm able to get to work
~~pancake breaky for dad and not so evil step mother to meet the boy - success!
~~brother's hockey season starting up again - a future of warms drinks and cold areana's ahead :)
~~having those difficult converstaions but knowing we'll get through them
~~Sunday drives
~~going places I've never been before
~~Grey's FINALLY started up again - yay many more fun thursday's to come! i love my wifey
~~realizing that having a goal isn't such a bad thing, now i just need to cook one up....
~~lazy, quiet days
~~way grateful for the new friend, man, person in my life - such comfort he brings me

focus on the plus side of things

as uber stressful situations come into my life and I deal w them appropriately I find myself reminding myself to concentrate on the positive. I am typically very good at this but it seems the more stressful the situation, the less positive self talk and thinking there is in my head. I do find myself doing self check's and pausing my thinking at times to re-route the thinking. do others struggle w this? when the shit really hits the fan where do you find yourself mentally? aside from the obvious stress, panic and possible turmoil....

on that note, positive gratefulness as of late:

~~sister leaves in the morning for her 4 month adventure, so very proud of her and all that is taking on in this great fun time
~~being able to get to work all week w the help of a wonderful man
~~cuddles and kisses
~~sleeping
~~great friends
~~my monthly check in
~~making an appointment to see an accoutant to get this financial thing more on track
~~my step dad
~~little brother's
~~wifey, even when we don't see each other often just knowing she is out there makes my world a better place
~~Dad being home at any time to call and visit, check in, laugh w
~~mid afternoon naps
~~awesome new Nathan
~~keeping in touch w old friends, especially my weekly wednesday visits to my fav pizza place :)
~~country music
~~many more good conversations to come w my man
~~hugs
~~this too shall pass
~~the greatest sibling's in the whole wide world, I wouldn't be who I am today without them

big Purgavie love
J


Don't sleep counting sheep.
Count blesssings, then sleep.
Don't wake up worried about
what you have to do.
Count your blessings and
be grateful that you woke up.
----Yogi Bhajan